The Heart of Pregnancy

Something happens when you get pregnant.

All emotions come at you at once: excitement, thrill, joy, awe . . . fear, worry, anxiety.

On Nov. 13, 2009, my 28th birthday, I journaled:

You have given me grace, redemption, salvation and breath - today.

The fear of never having children, never having a dream job, never having close, intimate friendships (like in collage) cripple me into idolatry. I start seeking those things instead of the Lord because I'm confused into thinking they will satisfy me.

But if my womb never carries a child, if I never leave the house for a job I LOVE, if I never have a BEST friend, Your grace is still enough.

I was already pregnant at the time - I just didn't know it.

So, you might say it was easy to write those things - I got what I wanted.

I don't know how the idolatry of your heart works - but mine doesn't go away so easily. I went from wanting a child to wanting a HEALTHY, PERFECT child. I'm greedy like that. And I was scared - scared to make plans and dream for our baby for fear I'd have a miscarriage or something would go wrong.

And so, two weeks later, on Nov. 27, 2009, I journaled:

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this [man was born blind] so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." - John 9:3

"Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe." - Luke 11:14

You are the GOOD shepherd. I want my baby to grow healthy and strong. I don't want to have a miscarriage. But all is for Your glory. The man was born blind, Lazarus died - all tragic at the moment they happened. But it was in Your plan; it was for your glory.

And Your plan for this baby is all for Your glory.

And so began the journey of the miracle of birth in my body.

I began to surrender control: If I eat perfectly, then I'll deserve a healthy baby. If I exercise and listen to classical music, I'll deserve a smart baby. If I read all of the right books, I'll have a smooth labor and a baby that sleeps through the night and breastfeeds on the first try.

Not that I would ignore doing any of those things, but God is going to create my son's inmost being and knit him together in my womb according to His plan, not mine - for His glory, not mine.

And so, parenting already has it's sanctifying fingers wrapped around my heart, pulling me to trust, tugging at me to rest in Him in ways I've never had to before.

God is knitting a child together in my womb, and he will be perfect in all the ways God has planned. God does not make mistakes. And, even if things don't go according to MY plans, God is still good and it's all still for His glory.